Playing pretend

I'm manic right now. On days when I am manic, I can't stop trying to fix things. In one day, I have replaced a broken floorboard, repaired the lawn mower pull chord, cleaned out the refrigerator, moved a pile of wood, and other stuff I can't remember. When I am manic, my brain is a bit scattered as well. I titled this post playing pretend because when I'm like this, I pretend I'm fine. I put a "mask" on that is all smiles to hide the sadness I am feeling. Sometimes it's more a loniless than a sadness or a mix of the two. I realize that if I hide behind a mask of I'm fine, no one will know how I feel. I did something I usually don't do...I actually said the words "I'm sad and don't know why" to my husband when he got home from work. I didn't want to unpack my crap on him after he worked all day, but I needed to tell someone. I truly don't know why I am sad. I just know I am. It'll last a few days and I'll push through it and be ok. I feel kind of stuck right now. I'm not working and not really spending time with anyone. Just sitting at home mostly. Just sadness and loniness. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything in my life. I still don't have my tiny house. I still haven't found a great job to work til retirement. I never had any kids (thanks PCOS). I don't feel much like my life has made any impact or difference. Like what have I done to make this world better? I know all these feelings come when I'm manic, but that doesn't stop me from internalizing them. I wanted to do so much more with my life. I feel like I've let people down. The people that have told me how smart and how talented I am. If I'm so smart and talented, why am I not further along in my goals? Why do I feel stuck in the mud? Why do I feel like I'm missing out on something? Like everyone else has the answers and they aren't telling. Then I really get myself going, when I play the what if game. What if I had gone to the law school I had a full scholarship for? What if I had gone to design school in NYC? What if, what if, what if. Then I think, I doubt i'd be married to the man I am married to. Who kniws, maybe I wouldn't be married at all. I on't want to be famous. I just want to be useful, helpful, maybe even a little memorable. I just wish I had a couple answers...a small glimpse into what's to come. A little less sadness, loniless, and hiding behind a smile. Sorry dreamers, not much for dreaming right now. For now I'll say, you dream big for the both of us. I know you can do it. We'll trod through the muck and mire and come out into the sunshine and spread our arms to saok up the sun. We'll fill renewed and we'll come out victorious. Don't give up. Don't give in. Keep pushing. Keep reaching for impossible dreams. You'll make it, my sweet dreamers. I believe in you and if no one has said it to you today. I'm proud of you and I love you.