An Avid Dreamer Blogs Here

I feel like the second we start to get ahead, we get kicked right back down. I sold my truck because I wasn't using it anymore and it helped catch things up for a bit. Money doesn't seem to go far these days. The thing is, I have all these wild dreams in my mind and feel like none of them will ever come to pass. All I wish for myself is a tiny house and zero debt. My dream for my mother is to set her place up so that she doesn't have to worry about anything. Solar panels and things like that. I dream to buy my niece a house to start her life in. My dream for my other niece is a house built for her that allows her wheelchair to go everywhere and anything that would make her life easier. I want to set up college funds for all the kids in my life. I long to make a difference in this world. As it is, I'm not working and feel like a failure. I hate feeling so worthless. I also feel bad because I can't get myself out of these bad feelings. Mainly because my husband deserv...

I'm manic right now. On days when I am manic, I can't stop trying to fix things. In one day, I have replaced a broken floorboard, repaired the lawn mower pull chord, cleaned out the refrigerator, moved a pile of wood, and other stuff I can't remember. When I am manic, my brain is a bit scattered as well. I titled this post playing pretend because when I'm like this, I pretend I'm fine. I put a "mask" on that is all smiles to hide the sadness I am feeling. Sometimes it's more a loniless than a sadness or a mix of the two. I realize that if I hide behind a mask of I'm fine, no one will know how I feel. I did something I usually don't do...I actually said the words "I'm sad and don't know why" to my husband when he got home from work. I didn't want to unpack my crap on him after he worked all day, but I needed to tell someone. I truly don't know why I am sad. I just know I am. It'll last a few days and I'll push t...