What Now?

It's been a rough few months for me and my family and it doesn't seem like there's an end in sight. My daddy died in November and that has to be the single most painful thing I have ever felt in my life. But then today I picked up the phone to call him to just tell him about my day and as realization poured over me, I just sat and cried. I never thought my daddy would die. I know that everyone dies, but I thought my daddy would be you know 80 or older. It seems like there is so much of my life left to live and him not being here just hurts. Last week my aunt died too. I'm very sad for her to be gone too, but it's like I can't even grieve for her because I can't stop grieving for my daddy. Everyday I wish I could just call him and talk or give him a hug and that's all just gone.... I won't lie I'm depressed, sad, and lonely. My husband is a wonderful man, but nothing seems to be able to pull me out of the pain. I push through most days and feign lighthearted, but when the night comes and it's quiet and everyone is sleeping, I am awake and searching for answers that I won't get and solace I won't find. My father was such a big part of my life. I was totally daddy's girl. I'll never hear him play the guitar or sing again. I'll never hear "I love you" or get a bear hug. Those thoughts are what hurt the most. Daddy is gone and nothing I do brings peace to me. There aren't enough pictures or songs to help. I'm reading his book and to begin with it was comforting, but now not so much. I'm angry, not at daddy, but at life in general. There are people in this world who are really terrible people. People who hurt and take and hate. But my daddy, he loved with all his heart and would give everything he had to help others. So i'm angry that my daddy was taken from this world, but horrible people continue to be here and continue to spread their terribleness. I pray that God will give me understanding and peace, but I don't think I am open to it. I'm so consumed with hurt, there's no room for anything else. Everyone says that it'll get easier and i'll still miss daddy, but i'll heal. That feels like an awfully long way away. I just want my daddy back and there's nothing I can do to fix that. And you may not know me, but one thing I can't stand is not being able to fix something, not being able to find a solution, an answer. I can fix everything, but a broken heart and that's the only thing that really needs repairing. Hold your family close. Make memories. Take plenty of pictures. Record yourselves saying I love you and just being silly. All those things don't change how much people will hurt when you are gone, but when the healing happens, those things become cherished. For me, a sweatshirt daddy got me for christmas years ago has become an everyday fixture. Sometimes I wear it, sometimes I cuddle it, and sometimes it's just something to touch to feel connected to. Make it a point to tell people you love them and what they mean to you. And above all else, make sure when it's your turn to leave this world, you are prepared for what lies beyond it. Pray a prayer all your own or use this one. "Dear God in heaven, I come to you in the name of Jesus. I acknowledge to You that I am a sinner, and I am sorry for my sins and the life that I have lived; I need your forgiveness. I believe that your only begotten Son Jesus Christ shed His precious blood on the cross at Calvary and died for my sins, and I am now willing to turn from my sin. You said in Your Holy Word, Romans 10:9 that if we confess the Lord our God and believe in our hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead, we shall be saved. Right now I confess Jesus as the Lord of my soul. With my heart, I believe that God raised Jesus from the dead. This very moment I accept Jesus Christ as my own personal Savior and according to His Word, right now I am saved. Thank you Jesus for your unlimited grace which has saved me from my sins. I thank you Jesus that your grace never leads to a license to sin, but rather it always leads to repentance. Therefore Lord Jesus transform my life so that I may bring glory and honor to you alone and not to myself. Thank you Jesus for dying for me and giving me eternal life. Amen."