Stress

Between the stress of money and the stress I generally put on myself I'm just plain tired. Everyday I look for a job for hours and everyday I read research after research and book after book on this condition I still haven't found one single answer I'm looking for. No one knows those answers. It's hard to be overweight and know that nothing you do seems to go towards losing any weight. I'm not a big eater, not to say there aren't times when I might over eat (like riverbend...mmm catfish!!). I'm just really angry that there aren't many answers, no cures, and no help. The drugs they can put you on don't seem to help much with the weight. For me, my main goal is to lose some of this weight. I'm not asking to be a size 2, I'm just asking to be a little less heavy. Sometimes I feel like such a failure because I can't seem to lose any weight. People automatically think if you are overweight it's just cause you're lazy. I just want to be able to go out in public and not feel like the hunchback of notre dame lol. This disease sucks. I mean this disease affects my life everyday. It makes it harder to sleep, more tiresome to do everyday activities, and pisses me off alot lol. It really does because it affects my hormone levels, so some days I can be very happy and other days it's like I want to die, on the days that happens I just have to remind myself it's not me, it's the disease. There are days that I am so angry that I am glad my hubby goes off to his mom's or fishing or where ever because he doesn't deserve that kinda meanness. You know that "everything happens for a reason" crap is easy to say when it doesn't happen to you lol. I wonder sometimes what God's deal is... do you? I mean our family has quite a few people affected by rare diseases with no cure, some just worse than others. God has the ability to raise the dead and heal any sickness, yet even as we cry out to Him we get no relief. The only thing that keeps me from being angry with Him for my PCOS, is the healing He's done for my niece. I know she's not completely outta the woods yet, but she's great. I keep trying to figure out what my "purpose" is in this life of mine. I keep trying to figure out what God wants outta me and I keep coming up with nothing. I don't have a job nor does my husband and neither of us really have any direction, so what does God want from me? I sure wish that path I'm supposed to follow would show itself cause right now I'm about as lost as one can be, well other than someone who doesn't even know God. I never thought that in my 30's all these questions would be here floating around. I thought by the time I was 30 I would have my book written and ready for publishing and that I'd have this perfect little house, with a perfect little family. Man I feel like I got screwed lol. In the end I guess the best I can hope for is at least I can pay my bills. I really do want to get a job, but then I also think about what it was like when I had one. I mean when I was working, all I did was work. I never saw my family and all the extra money I was making wasn't doing anything but sitting in the bank cause I didn't have time to spend it on anything I wanted to do. I did that for 10 yrs of my life and I don't want to do that now. I don't want to wake up 20 yrs from now with regrets, working some dead end job just to live a life that can't consist of my loved ones. Does that sound like too much to ask? To want to be able to see my family whenever I want and be able to go do anything I want to with them. I've been looking for work every single day, but I really just don't want to go back to a life of working 5-6 days a week just to make ends meet and miss out on the important parts of my life. Is it too much to want to have a job I love or at least like lol. I don't want to have regrets and what ifs. I want my life to be filled with great memories, with great moments that will resonate thru time. And when I'm somewhere in this world getting ready to let go of this life and move on to be with God, I wanna look back on my life and say, "I wouldn't want to change a thing". Cause in the end I guess "things really do happen for a reason" lol.